What a great title. Thank you, Katy Perry, for suggesting that we all have a choice to not look back. But guess what....you are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Sometimes looking back is all you can do.
It's where we can dwell with those who can no longer be a part of our present. So we have to look back in order to keep them in our present.
I have not posted in almost one year. One year. It seems like nothing. Because it more or less is nothing. My life is now measured in how long since my son died. That's the only relevant metric.
Ask anyone who grieves a loved one. You will find that their lives are measured by what has happened since their death.
People want us to move on. To find closure. But I'm here to tell you that.....nope. Not happening.
When you have lost a child...a best friend...a spouse....all you can do is look back. To not do that is to erase them from your life. Humans hold on to memories. It keeps the departed part of the present, but to keep them "here" we have to remember they were "there." Of course, looking back doesn't erase the awful reality that they are NOT part of the present. Only we are here. And they are gone. But looking back helps one cope with the enormity of the loss.
That's why, (as I've written earlier in this blog) if you know someone who has lost a child, best friend, sibling, spouse.....talk to them about the person. Say the person's name. Let the grieving person share memories. It really, really helps.
The interesting part is that most of us who are afflicted with grief find a way to "manage." Take me, for example. I have a thriving business. I'm active in my community. I have friends and usually make time for them unless my business keeps me way too busy. (In fact, being busy is one of the "reasons" (excuses?) for not blogging for so long.) But every day, something nips me on the ankle...catches me out of the corner of my eye...makes me teary eyed.....I see my son, my best friend, my husband....but I see them "there" and not "here."
I can't help but look back to life "before."
And all my friends, and all my family simply cannot know the depth of my losses...of my aloneness and the isolation that comes with grief.
Looking back brings a bit of comfort. Without memories we are not "us" but a shell who knows only the moment. Some might say that brings peace. I say I'd rather have my former life a part of my present life even if I find myself crying over a song, or a particular food, or (like today) finding my son's report card from elementary school. It's all me, all of it, the pain and the past and the present. I will keep the memories a part of me.
I had that life with them. I am in large part defined by that life. I will look back and keep myself intact.
Have you ever heard about someone who even after 10 years could not bring themselves to get rid of their loved one's clothes, to clean out the closet? Did you scoff at that? Ridicule? Criticize? Getting rid of the tangible physical objects means we are shutting off the ways we have to look back, or to keep a connection to that person we loved. Some folks can call Goodwill or Salvation Army within a month of their loved one's death. Most of us can't. I used to criticize. No more. Although my son's room looks nothing like when he was here, and is now a guest room/multipurpose room (used mostly by his sister who I think feels more than a little connected to him that way) it is still "Mat's room" and always will be. It's not looking back. It's a stuck reality. A reality I don't want to let go of. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
And yes, in case you were wondering, I have most of his clothes still. Can't quite bring myself to let them go. At least they are in a big box and no longer hanging in his closet. As they say in 12 step, one day at a time.
What I've come to understand from all my losses is that it is OK to not let go of the past reality. As we go farther along the grief path, we learn to live in the "new" life, yet we have those times when we look back and return -- in our heads -- to life as it was.
And we find a way to cry and smile and be with them again.
To look back and celebrate the life that was.
Then return to the life that is. With a smile that comes from the love we will always feel. It helps hide the abyss in our "now" life created by their departure.
You are here, alone, in the moment of today. But the way to keep close those who have left us is to always, always look back.
copyright 2016
