I have usually encountered death in a sudden, unexpected way. (The exceptions are my grandmothers, who lived into their 80s -- which now seems somehow a bit young but for their generation was old. )
Now, I am confronted with a new face of mortality. According to the doctors, I am faced with the unfathomable choice of deciding when my friend of almost 20 years will die.
She was taken to the hospital a week ago. She has been in and out of a coma since then. She is not able to communicate her thinking or her wishes as to medical care or anything else.
10 years ago she appointed me her power of attorney. She has no other family. Her only child is severely autistic and not able to decide on anything more than what he wants for his birthday dinner. And so it goes that when she cannot communicate her wishes, the doctors look for someone who will make her decisions for her. So, that means...…..
I'm the decider.
As much as this is a burden no one should carry, I'm comforted in knowing that at least this choice is in the hands of a person who is her friend and who cares about her. Otherwise, it would be the courts appointing a professional conservator who no doubt would decide that extra medical interventions only "prolong the inevitable" and would give the order to terminate all medical support. In other words, pull the plug. I'm just not willing to do it right now, because she still has function and will and spirit.
My friend is fighting to stay in this plane of existence. She lives for her son and is trying to return to him. I know that. I have pledged to give her the support and medical care to enable her to make a comeback.
If she loses the fight, then I am comforted with the knowledge that I did not hasten the end.
She has brain function. She responds to my voice by moving towards me, opening her eyes, struggling to speak despite the ventilation tube (needed because her oxygen levels were too low). She wiggled her toes when the doctor asked her to. She comes around when I mention her son. She responds to pain stimuli. She tries hard to open her eyes and to talk, despite the tube.
I have had the doctors say, "but what about the quality of life? She likely will never be the same." That may very well be true. But if she survives this medical downturn, and maintains some conscious connection to this plane, then she will still be here and somehow able to connect with her son. He has been her reason for living for far too long, and so long as she shows signs of cognition and function, I will not be the one to willfully terminate that connection.
But the pressure to do so is enormous. I do not fault the doctors. They only see the outward suffering. They cannot understand as I do that all she wants is to go home and be with her son.
Perhaps that is why I fight for her. To be that connected with one's child -- as I was (and am) to my son (and daughter) -- is beyond rational explanation. I cannot and will not be the force to interfere with that.
My own son was killed by those who wanted to break the bonds between us in order to advance their own selfish purposes. And they were nurses!!!!! Their souls (I hope and pray) will suffer for such depravity. But their evildoing helped me see that I cannot be the one who decides to sever the earthly ties between a parent a child.
I will continue to advocate for my friend. She must be the one to rally and come back to consciousness, or to give into the light and transition to a new existence.
Her medical condition is quite serious. I am not naïve enough to believe she will simply get better and go home. She may never be who she was. But I will give her the opportunity to stay with us.
Should she now pass on, I will grieve our friendship, and yet be comforted in knowing I did all I could to give her the opportunity to stay in this life.
I have prayed about this situation. Does that seem odd to you? For one who has lost as much as I have, to do something as impractical as "pray?"
Over the past few years, I have returned to prayer. Don't laugh or scoff. It is the act of acknowledging that one needs help -- or is asking for help for another in need. It recognizes that we are not the center of the universe, and that there are forces beyond our full comprehension or control.
And so to whom does one pray? To the universe? To God? To Jesus? To the candle on my shelf? Here is where my prayers go: To the Higher Power by whatever name we choose to give her/him/it. I choose to call this Higher Power by the simple name "God." Somebody bigger than you or I.
My prayer -- my request for help -- is that Mary answers the question "leave" or "stay" by deciding to stay (contrast to my BFF Heidi who left so quickly and before I even knew she was so ill) and that I will hear the answer even if she cannot say it or act on it.
Whether she survives or passes, I will be comforted by knowing that she trusted her health decisions to me. I pray I continue to make the choices that are best for her.
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